She's My Mama Mare
by Empire of Silverstein
Summary: Sometimes you should watch what you eat... Because sometimes it just might take you on a journey. WARNING: Blaring self-insert Rated T for language. I have no shame.


**She's My Mama Mare**

* * *

An off-duty Airman and mediocre fanfic writer named Silverstein had finally made it to a bus stop after he had crashed his car. He had been hit by a deer while driving at night, along a road that led through a forest. He had no idea where he was or the time, only that it was night and he couldn't see a thing.

He was not injured at all by the accident but his car was totaled and his cell phone had died only mere moments before pile driving a deer with his Honda. He had been walking for what seemed like hours along the road, hoping to find someone to flag down.

Finally, he had reached a seemingly misplaced bus stop, its overhead lights flickering on and off as the cries of crickets could be heard in the background. He sat down on the rusty bench and decided to wait there for help. If he hadn't been slightly dazed by the accident, then he probably would have had the sense to just stay by his car and wait for help there. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case.

The bench creaked again and again as he tried to find a comfortable sitting position.

That was when he started to think about his situation.

"_Dammit! Why didn't I stay with the car!? Why do I always run off before I think!? I swear man…"_

He groaned in frustration as he mentally berated himself .

"_If the bus comes, then I'll just ask the driver to call for help-wait… Will he even have a phone? Having a bus ticket will make this a lot easier." _he sighed in annoyance.

This whole situation just wanted to make him scream in anger.

It was then that he reached into his pockets and tried to calculate whether he had enough money to pay for a bus fare if he had to.

There was no money.

"_Great! No money, totaled car with is gonna cost a fortune to fix, and a dead cell phone. Why does fate pick on me so?" _He lamented.

He heard a grumbling noise and felt a shift in his stomach.

"_Aaand, I'm hungry." _

With that he arose from his bench and started pacing, like he always does when there is a crisis. He walked out behind the bus stop and towards the trees and lowered his head in agitation.

Then he saw them.

With his hunger starting to drive him mad and add itself to another of his many woes, he had found a temporary solution at his feet.

Wild mushrooms.

They had been growing against a tree so he decided to take a seat next to the mushrooms, leaning against the tree and sighing in disdain.

His appetite was tempting him.

Those mushrooms, they looked so juicy, so tender.

It was at this time that Silverstein silently cursed himself for not having lunch before he left.

But the mushrooms beckoned to him, pleading him to take a chance.

Without another thought, he started to reach for the closest mushroom.

"_Come on…what are you doing Sean? You KNOW this is a bad idea. Those things could be poisonous for all you know. You know, if you had only watched where you were going and charged your phone in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess!"_

He gripped the mushroom in his hand.

It felt wet and slimy, which was a little bit of a turn-off but not enough to hinder his next action.

"_I should be sitting with my family, having a nice and filling Christmas dinner at home, with ham, mashed potatoes, buttered corn on the cob and homemade bread rolls…"_

He momentarily licked his lips at the thought of all the delicious food that he could be having.

"_But NO! Instead you have a totaled car in the middle of nowhere, stuck in a creepy forest late at night, and you're playing Russian roulette with a mushroom that could be poisonous!"_

He shoved the whole mushroom into his mouth and began to chew slowly. It made a squishy sound as his teeth ripped out all of the juices and they spilled onto his taste buds. Usually, he wasn't a big fan of mushrooms but for some reason, he found himself enjoying the sensation.

After he grinded the fungus down into manageable chunks, he swallowed first mushroom and shook his in approval.

"_These are amazing…and I'm not dead! Hell yeah!" _

He grabbed a second mushroom and shoved into his mouth like its predecessor. He continued to gorge himself on mushrooms until he had eaten quite a bit.

"It's a good thing I found these mushrooms, I was fucking starving." He said to himself.

After a while, a strange sensation gripped his entire body.

"Woah…" his body continued to act strangely as the forest around him, began to color itself.

Intrigued by the beautiful colors, he entered the forest.

But it wasn't a forest anymore…

It was a town.

When he saw what he was looking at, he couldn't believe his eyes.

"No way!" he squealed in a mix of excitement and joy.

It was Ponyville.

Never in his dreams did he ever think that he could reach this place. Only in poorly written human in Equestria fanfics did Silverstein ever think that this was possible.

He gazed around in wonder and joy as he took in the sight around him.

In contrast to the dark forest, it was midday here in Equestria with the sun high in the sky. He could hear birds chirping and hear the breeze flow through his clothes. Eerily, it was completely silent otherwise.

He tried looking around for any of the ponies he might recognize.

He found none.

Silverstein was in the middle of the town too, in the square at noon. This place should be bustling with ponies.

Before he could question this, he heard a distinct sound of a lone set of clopping hooves on the stone road. Silverstein looked to his left and a look of jubilation flashed onto his face as he saw one of his favorite ponies enter the square from behind the building.

"Oh my god! Pinkie Pie!" he shrieked as he sprinted over to her.

"RAWR!" Pinkie cried out when she saw Silverstein approaching, barreling toward her at full speed.

"Silver! Wassup!?" she yelled back airily as she threw open her hooves and intercepted Silverstein in a crushing hug.

After a few seconds Pinkie let go and beamed at the human standing and smiling across from her.

"What are you doing out here?" the pink pony asked casually.

"I was just walking in your beautiful town."

He said as he shook his head in disbelief at what he was seeing.

"It's not my town brother, its everypony's." she sighed in elation as she pointed her hoof around the town, to display it for her human friend.

"You're so fucking awesome, I love you!" he cried out in happiness as he embraced her once more.

* * *

"You're so fucking awesome, I love you!" he cried out in happiness as he embraced a tall tree at the edge of the forest.

* * *

"I love you too Silver! You're an awesome writer!" Pinkie replied as she began to hop up and down in Silverstein's grasp.

They both grabbed each other's hooves and hands as they both bouncing like excited schoolchildren.

"Let's play!" the party pony announced as she let out an impressive warcry followed by a pitiful echo from Silverstein.

"RRRAWR!"

"RRAAWWR!"

"That's good. Let's go on an adventure!" Pinkie said happily as she grabbed one of Silverstein's hands with a hoof.

"Yeah!" Silverstein replied as lighthearted music began to play in the background.

Pinkie, with one hoof holding onto Silverstein, began to lead him down the street with him following willingly in tow.

"I've got lots to show you." the pink pony explained as Silverstein stopped them both and faced her.

"Can I be a pony too?" he asked with an innocent tone of a child.

Then Pinkie Pie stared into his eyes with an uncharacteristic serious face as she placed a hoof on his shoulder.

"You already are. You're my son Silver. My wittle baby pony."

At this, Silverstein looked down at his brown hooves and opened his eyes and mouth wide in shock. He had turned into a brown earthpony with a brown mane and green eyes.

"Let's take a dip in the Strawberry River!" Silverstein's mother exclaimed.

"Yay!" he responded with a childish tone.

"Come on!" Pinkie yelled in excitement as she motioned the brown earthpony over with a hoof.

Soon, he heard a flute playing cheerfully in the background as Pinkie led him through a colorful wonderland. There were gems the size of a battle tank sticking out of the lush green grass. The skies had turned into a multitude of colors and hues as the blend surrounded a multicolored sun.

Rainbow Dash flew overhead and didn't seem to take notice of either of them as she passed by.

And there it was.

Flowing right down the middle of the scene, was a river made of strawberry milk.

He certainly didn't remember any of this in the show but pushed the thought away as Pinkie found them a couple of doughnut-shaped inner tubes. They both hopped into their respective black inner tubes and began floating down the river of strawberry milk.

Silverstein was squealing in excitement and giggling with Pinkie as they both floated down the river.

"Yay! This is fun! This is super fun!" Silverstein cried out in joy.

* * *

Silverstein was violently pulled by the current down a raging river, in danger of drowning or slamming his body into a rock at full force.

"This is fun! This is-" he was interrupted as he choked on a mouthful of water.

* * *

As they disembarked from the strawberry milk-filled river, Silverstein still had his tube stuck around his flanks.

"Mommy look, it's stuck on my butt." he said as Pinkie Pie giggled at his antics.

"Let's get rid of these." Pinkie said as they both chucked their inner tubes into the bushes.

Pinkie then pointed her hoof at Silverstein.

"Time to fly!" she cried out happily.

"WEEE!" Silverstein shrieked as he hopped onto Pinkie's back.

She seemed to levitate in the air as she gained altitude.

* * *

Silverstein was giggling manically as he grabbed branch after branch, climbing to a dangerous height in an old tree.

* * *

Pinkie was eagle spread with the smaller brown pony on her back as she soared passed the clouds in the sky that had turned light blue again.

"We're flying!" she yelled with a smile.

"We're flying!" Silverstein echoed, still giggling.

"Hold on little Silver!" Pinkie called out.

Drums started to play along with a guitar as Silverstein began to sing on Pinkie's back.

**Down where the ponies hide, **

**Near Canterlot's misty mountainside.**

**She's got tasty pastries and she's got to protect-**

**Look into Pinkamena's eyes, **

**Did you know that Pinkie could fly? **

**Pinkie Pie is my mommy and she's got to protect, MMEE!**

**Half mare and half machine,**

**On the cover of a magazine!**

**Pinkie Pie is my mother and she's got to protect, ME!**

**These lyrics don't make sense, **

**Think I've found the evidence.**

* * *

Silverstein was hugging a tree branch, high above the ground while he sang.

"**That Pinkie is my mama and she wants to protect-"**

* * *

**ME!**

Silverstein then looked down to his mother.

"Do you know where I can find a bus ticket?" he asked.

"Sure! It's right over there!" Pinkie yelled back, pointing a hoof in front of them.

There was a giant yellow bus ticket floating in the sky ahead of them, giving off a majestic white light.

"Oh! Let's get it!" Silverstein yelled back as he started to get up, transformed into a human once more.

* * *

"I could get it! If I just stood on your-"

Silverstein was interrupted as he slipped and fell off the tree branch that he tried to stand on. He cried out in fear as he literally hit every branch on the way down. Then, he slammed into one of the last branches with his crotch.

"Oh, sweet baby!" he cried as he dropped onto the ground in pain.

He groaned and moaned as the mushrooms' effects began to wear off, trying to get up.

Miraculously, he landed right next to the road again.

A police vehicle drove up to him as he found his footing and one of the officers shined a flashlight in his eyes.

"Are you alright son? We got a call about a car accident in the area." One of the officers announced.

"Are you sun-mongering light ninjas?" Silverstein, glaring at the officer with really wide eyes.

"Uh…what?" the police officer scrunched his face in confusion.

"Good. Then that means mama is safe." Silverstein answered for them.

Silverstein didn't notice that his head had started bleeding from his fall from the tree.

The officer turned towards his counterpart in the driver's seat.

"He's injured and dazed. Must've been a pretty bad accident."

"Yippie kai yay motherbucker!" Silverstein yelled into the night sky with his arms stretched out.

The other officer nodded in acknowledgement as he picked up his mic to call paramedics to the scene.

It seemed as though everything was going to be fine for Silverstein after all…

Until the drug test that is.

* * *

**Afterthought**

**This is not to be taken seriously, it's purely for laughs...I think.**

**You can thank Tenacious D for giving me this awful idea. **


End file.
